I am so greedy and I know it. I don’t write the dark things in my journal not because I don’t think them but because some people actually read this. I really do think serious thoughts. I think about my ‘gratitudes’ and I have more than I ever will deserve and why did I get to live in the midst of all this bounty? Today Marsha M. and I were talking about acts of personal kindness. It made me think about how I don’t do anything magnanimous. I know people who really do nice things for people all the time. I used to. I think the older I get the more I become narrower and less moved to be kind. Shelly says as you age your super ego either fades or gets bigger. I can’t remember which it is. So this is why old people become testy, cranky, and plain-spoken. Crusty. I am crusty.

When I get home I am going to get Shelly S to explain to me in bullets only, the tenants of suppressing trauma. Any trauma I have is self-made but it could be a useful tool. HOWEVER, now that I think of it, once I had my handwriting analyzed by a handwriting expert for McClennan County Courts….it was very cool, except that she said I had been traumatized. I wonder if I missed it! Maybe it is just that I am such a drama queen I make everything seem like a trauma. Bet so.

Tomorrow Len will drive down to Mom’s. I am here already and working up my “Why I Don’t Like the Holidays” pitch and fervor. I get so dark. A few years ago I was invited to Lolly, Nina, and Jackie’s Birthday Club, Christmas Party. I used to be invited. Now an explanation of the past tense. The group very generously included me since I had so many good friends in the group although I was/am clearly not a Killeen native. One of the core group graciously asked me, “Are you looking forward to the holidays?” I responded in boil-like fashion. “I hate the holidays; I am miserable the entire time and I can’t wait till they are over.” That sweet woman looked like she had just seen a rape. She could hardly fashion any response. It took her a minute to break the conversation and move on to something more joyous. Maybe putting down pets.


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