About Control Which I Just Thought I Had

I think it is easy to be a control freak and I guess I might be overly fond of control. Recent events have been a blistering awareness that regardless of whether I liked it or wanted it, I don’t have much any more. It annoys me when people want to tell me that mortals never really have control. OK. Well, I thought had some. And OK, I don’t. But here is what can make me feel better in the face of having precious little control…that is to carve out something in my life that I can impact/control. Carol and I were talking and I told her how much I enjoyed writing in my journal–it is one of the few things that I have been able fully concentrate on….I can hardly focus on reading….anyway, she said she thought it was because I could feel some control over it….wow, yes, that is it. it is mine, it is me, and I love it. Credit to Jackie and Ann for pushing me to write ages ago….


The other thing I am doing that makes me think I can harness some control is wearing a flower of some sort when I go to the hospital. It is almost corny and I don’t know how long-lived the effort will be. What I have discerned is that when I go to the hospital for treatment or a consult I want those treating me to know I am Susan, a real person. A person that in a period of 64 years has been special in some way to someone. I don’t want to be just a name on a list to ‘do’. I want to be noted and cared about. So, maybe manipulative, and I sure know how to do that, I am wearing a real flower. I try to get gardenias. They are novel, pretty, and smell great to most people. So, I have been importing them from Austin or locally in a box of 3….they last a week if I am careful. But here is the part I like. I wear them and every single time I do, in every department I go to in the hospital, I get all kinds of comments and questions. I become a person the staff wants to talk to. I also use their name from their name tag and I ask questions about them…where did you go to school….do you like your job?…and I try very hard to compliment the work they do…everyone likes that. I want them to be able to take a breath with me and see me as someone they want to help.

I also can currently control how much exercise to do. Thank God, I feel reallllllly good and am recovering very nicely. Today I walked 6.5 miles…15 days after surgery. I walk in either Walmart or this older strip mall. Walmart is tricky because it is so crowded but the other mall is very under populated—just some government offices—the latter has a lot of walkers in it….both are air conditioned. We are still suffering triple digit temperatures. Walking inside is imperative. I am gaining weight….too much comfort food and wine.


2 Responses to “About Control Which I Just Thought I Had”

  1. Sarah Hartwig Says:

    I love this post. By thinking waaaaay outside the box [nothing new for you], you once again tell me in a whole new way that life and what happens to me can be viewed differently than I tend to do it, with much more attention to what really matters. And more importantly, it’s my choice. Wow. Thank you for the reminder!

  2. nancy baumann thurmond Says:

    Wow, Susan! What an inspiration you are! How do you walk so long with a bunion? I’m still walking weird from my fall/sore knees of 3 weeks ago. Getting better tho. I LOVE your gardenia info. I think ANYthing that makes us feel special is a good thing. And there’s nothing more lovely and luscious smelling than a gardenia. Good job!!

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