A New Friend. I Thought I Was Helping Her. She Was Helping Me.

I have a new friend. Fiona left her card for me at the Infusion Center asking for me to call her. I called her and we arranged to have lunch today. Thank you Carol, S&W breast cancer navigator, for facilitating this meeting. Fiona had surgery recently and she had questions…we immediately connected. We have so many things in common, including cancer. Fiona told me I was helping her. Then I received a phone call from Dr. R’s nurse, Cassandra. That x-ray I had last week on my leg and hip has a ‘spot’ on it. Did I even write that about that x ray? Well, I had one and I almost immediately forgot it. So turns out there is a spot. Dr. R wants me to have a bone scan or a bone something ASAP. So here I have been sitting here with Fiona talking about ‘it’ in my history and suddenly the ‘it’ is back in my present. It was my turn for tears. Damn that cancer, just when you are feeling sorta normal, sorta–then it bushwhacks you. Thank you Fiona for changing places, thank you for the comfort. We are just in the vortex of the tornado. Neither of us knows how this turns out, we just do it.

Len is solid. He tries not to let it get in our way. But he cries too. Today he turned away when we were talking. Then he apologized to me for turning away. His integrity is like a lightening bolt some times. Then there is just plain me, How did I ever get here?

Ok, time to suck it up and think the positive. First, Cassandra did say that if this X-ray was of a non-breast cancer patient it might be considered ‘artifactual’ which I think means just a spot or dense place that has been there for ions. But since I have just recently had breast cancer, it needs to be checked out. By the way, me in 10 years, I am drinking prosecco. Every now and then I do a little weepy fit then I think, “I just did chemo. Chemo kills cancer. I am taking Tamoxifen which is supposed to keep cancer from spreading. I have a great white blood count. I haven’t lost any weight. Ok, I have had pain in my right hip and right leg since early December but I thought it was related to the chemo. I’m ok. I am just who I am and I always will be. Get over it. If I don’t have a mean, bad-assed cancer back, then something in time will get me. It will be ok.”

2 Responses to “A New Friend. I Thought I Was Helping Her. She Was Helping Me.”

  1. Lou Ann Weaks Says:

    My dearest Susan – I am crying along with Len – not because I think your cancer has returned, because I do not believe it would choose your hip!!! I am crying because you have to go through the agony of hurry up and wait until they let you know something positive. You can handle anything if you know, but it’s the not knowing that is so horrifying and makes you feel so out of control–at least that is the way I would feel and “the way I see it”!!! I love you – Lou Ann

  2. nancy baumann thurmond Says:

    Dear Susan, I have not stopped praying for you and will continue. I’m sorry you have this new worry. You are so blessed with such an amazing husband and friends. Thinking of you and anxious to read good news. Love, Nancy

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