Hello Journal –Poor Neglected Friend

From a week ago….

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I am sitting on the bed in ‘my’ bedroom at Mother’s….I am trying to stay out of the housekeeper’s way and squeeze in some much needed self-therapy. I need this writing even though it is disjointed, irrelevant, and insufficient. And a bunch of other dis, irr, and ins…. Partly I am here because I have the ceiling fan going 300 miles an hour…hot flashes at Mom’s are previews of hell. She has no fat so she gets cold very easily…the thermostat is set on 78; it is humid; I am wearing jeans; and I am fat. I am at medium well-done right now and I have two more hours before I take Mom to the doctor.

Let me get the fat whining out of my system first. I lost about 5-6 pounds while I was in Mexico because I ate right, walked miles each day, and drank a lot of water. Since I have been home, only 21 days, I have gained 10 pounds. When I walk, it feels and looks like I have gallon-sized, water-filled, zip-lock bags strapped to my midsection and inner thighs. I disgust myself. I get in the car and my mind goes on a search mode for fast food. I am deep into instant gratification. I have to talk to Stephanie fast or maybe I will go see the geriatric psychologist that Belinda’s Mom goes to see. I really want to do that but I am really scared she will ask me questions about what month it is; who the secretary of state is; what I ate yesterday; etc. I won’t know. Then what will I do? I figure I will spiral down hill and that just isn’t convenient right now.

In two days I do my ‘speaking’ at the Cancer Awareness Bra Brunch. Ooops, I need to send Carol the article while she is recuperating. I love you Carol. I wish I were up in Massachusetts helping to take care of her….from the texts I think she would prefer some sleep and peace….one more helper might be too much. OK, back to my cancer story. I don’t want to be nervous, I want to make sense, I want to have an impact, I want it over. My enemy is responsibility and accountability. I am done with those pesky job-related elements. Done.

Ann graciously has helped me organize my thoughts and made suggestions. I give her this: She is SMART and she loves helping….she is generous with her time. Speaking of which….Friday I had lunch with Eartha, Bill, and Anita. Eartha was my HRD confidant….We told Bill a lot of secrets I had kept from him while we were all working. It was fun to remind him that he can’t keep secrets, which is why he was NOT told. Anyway, I told them after a bit of reflection, that I knew exactly who I would call if I had a big problem….my KISD posse, Eartha, Bill, Ann, Kate, Jackie, Barbara, Belinda, Eva, etc. Those folks can make anything happen creatively and with ‘wow’ results.

I am bird walking today….I haven’t been processing clearly. So, what else? While I was brainstorming with Ann at Starbucks, Dr. P came in for a caffeine fix….he joined us—told us about a book he is reading—Zealot, the Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth

I downloaded it. I didn’t realize the author was a populist seeker…that’s what I am calling him. He was a Christian, now a Muslim. So I am reading it—I should be reading the Bible, but this is the order I am doing my seeking. Belinda says there is another interesting book called Misquoting Jesus. I am thinking I might be more of what Fr David called,”….a Sylviaist.” That is someone who more or less makes up what they believe as their own doctrine….as in Sylvia thinks this, that, or the other. Smart Sally is going back to school to study Theology…the right way to do seeking. Me, I just stumble and fall, never completing the lap.

I am taking a class at UT…not for credit, of course. It is one of their Informal Classes that I just love. This one is called Cultures in Contact: Spain, Mexico, and the American Southwest. This is really stimulating –it is about the interactions among the Muslims, Christians and Jews—the cultural pluralism or the convivencia, relating to history, religion, art, music, literature, etc. The professor is easy to follow and enthusiastic which makes it worth the drive. Three Thursdays evenings, 6:30-8:30. Amazing….Shelly and Tom are enrolled too—but Tom fell and broke his leg so I don’t know if they will get to come. I hope so.

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I am plagued by my inability to speak Spanish. I bought hat Rosetta Stone software two years ago and have yet to break open the cellophane. How bad is that? I overheard some Anglos talking at the Saturday Organic Market in SMdA….the woman was telling her man friend that she can’t communicate at all….he said, “All you really need to know is how to say numbers and how to point.” Maybe I should start there.

Other SMdA wisdom from Larry: I was lamenting about my ugly shoes and he said, “In SM, shoes aren’t part of fashion.” I love that and from a man. Lucky Camie has been inducted into the Water Aerobics Class of Fame—I love that class and group of women. I need to go to the local community senior center…it is just such a pain to get in the car and drive 20 minutes one way—also the teacher is mean.

It is definitely autumn—the acorns are falling and I can leave the windows open at night and sleep under my Miss Kitty blanket….that blanket makes me want to suck my thumb—it feels just like a kitten.

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So Diego loves school—At Len’s request I went and took a few candid photos of Diego on the equipment. There were only three dogs present and clearly Diego was the most proficient…He loves the balance beam, hurdles, A frame, and the tube. He is still leery of the see-saw when it hits the ground –it scares him and he wants to jump off. I see a dog park out in the pasture — coming soon.

It is time to ‘DO’ mother’s hair…I am glad she still has the interest in her appearance.

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