Kiss My Foot

BW feet.jpgThis entry is about the status of my feet and the history of my feet. It is called Kiss My Foot or Foot Fetish. These are my random thoughts – out of order – and somehow significant in tonight’s life reflections.   

So, here it is with my feet. In the past year they have become boney, hard, and big. I wore a 7 ½ for about 10 years, then an 8 ½, then a 9 ½, and now in my 67th year I wear a 10! That is a big foot. Happily my heels aren’t cracked and I have relatively thin ankles….something my mother thinks shows good breeding (hahaha)…my 67 year-old bunion looks pretty knotty, but doesn’t hurt– but the worst of it is my overall foot boniness.

To digress still again. I taught middle school exactly one year…lots to make me know it wasn’t for me. There was one special education student who was not in any of my classes. He had a severe language disorder. He liked to talk to me or really at me. Early on in the year when I had hall duty, he did a lot of gesturing to my feet….I remember exactly what I had on and the spiffy little (8 ½ then) pale pink, open-toed shoes. He kept pointing and gesturing, so in frustration, I took my shoe off…thinking something was on my shoe…God only knows why…this is when I noticed he was aroused. Hence, the Kiss My Foot title. He did not kiss my foot, of course, but I learned he had a foot fetish and I never took my shoes off again in front of him. What on earth was I thinking, anyway?

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I also recall getting my feet legally radiated at the Buster Brown shoe store by sticking my feet in the X-ray machine the size of a nuclear plant…that was common to shoe stores in the day. No wonder I got cancer….

My parents took me to Monterey, Mexico when I was about 12. I don’t remember much except riding a mean donkey to a waterfall called Horseshoe Falls. I wore a chintz, floral dress with a peter pan collar on that donkey (I wonder if I made the choice or Mother?). At the waterfalls there were gypsy beggars. The gypsy, I remember, had her shoes cut open to let her bunions and bunionettes escape. This made an impression on me. I guess I am lucky my bunion doesn’t hurt….just looks like a hoof…ask Delanie! I hope I don’t get into cutting open my shoes. My roommate, Patt—her grandmother had her little toe cut off because it ‘bothered’ her. Things like that happen when you get old. I think it is that, “Screw it,” mentality which I am starting to understand.

When I was little (3-4 ½ years-old) I lived in Okinawa. I THINK I wore Geta shoes—with wooden platforms but maybe that is my fanciful imagination or they were souvenir shoes. For sure I wore Tabi slippers…this I can document if I get the photo from Mom.

Once when I lived at Scott AFB, Illinois, I was playing horse in front of our apartment. That means you run like a horse and make horse noises like, “Neighhhhhh.” It is complicated and takes lots of practice to get the pronunciation right. Ok, anyway, as any good horse, I was ‘jumping’ over hurdles…in this case, a a broken, wooden coffee table. Not a coordinated horse, I put my foot through the broken wood and had to go to the emergency room. I have a scar.

Really, how much more can a person write about their feet? This is classic brainstorming.

Mother’s feet are twisted and look like they hurt a lot. I want to cry about this because I have just left her today and she is kinda miffed with me. Miffed because I wear dresses that look like Monk outfits according to her….aka a habit… and because I can’t hide that I feel tied down when I am there.

I didn’t realize that Cee’s Mom, Maddie Lee, was weird about her feet. On a visit, during cocktails, I told the witty story about a San Antonio sensational…a maniac, who threw women down, pulled their shoes off and sucked their toes. Maddie Lee nearly fainted. Always know your hosts phobias when choosing cute stories.

Lme get back to my boney feet. I love reflexology until the therapist bends my toes backward until I scream. How can that really be good for you? And how is it I can’t communicate that I DID NOT drive to Austin, to pay money, to be really injured ?This is how the Chinese will get us in the end….killing us through the foot.

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On foot products: Over the years I have purchased foot creams, sprays, devices, pads, salves, razors, and stones. All in all, the best, all-time product can only be purchased in Europe, Canada, or online…this is because of the ingredient, Podexine, that I believe is related to Muriatic Acid 🙂 …guaranteed, repaired feet. Used regularly, you get soft, pink baby feet.

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Would I really let a bunch of fish, gara ruffa, or mini carp eat up dead skin on my feet? I hate slick fish rubbing against me. I would go mad. Once when we were in Hawaii, Steph took us to a beach where you fed fish. I said repeatedly…”These fish will not rub against me, right?” I am so gullible. She assured me not….She bought fish food that she held on to then innocently asked me if I would like to toss the food out….Trillions, of slick, slimy fish accosted me. It was almost rape. I could have walked on water. Steph and Len laughed hysterically.

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Feet and germs: I love her, but Steph is just a wee bit nuts about germs. This includes toenail grooming. Must be cut short so the wicked germ can’t get under them. Every time I am going to see her I get a pedicure and ask to be cut to the quick. She almost always mentions it…”Suz, I approve of your toe nails.” Just a wee bit odd.

One of the things Stephanie and I do after drinking A LOT is to see who can spread their toes the furthest apart. This was some kind of hilarious contest we got into late at night last year in in Florida. Proves that alcohol is not good for you. Photos prove this too. We sent the photo to Sarge for judging. Sure, Len was right here but he so does NOT get it when Steph and I fall into this kinda of hilarity. Sarge voted and I won. Foot on the left. A sports commentator might say, “A simple win, a huuuuge spread, and no evidence of steroids!” I think Steph needs a miracle and a milagros to win next year’s spread-off!

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So, I have exhausted this exercise in journalistic pinging. Another entry is required to write about the following:

  • Doll house donation
  • MRI: I am not afraid.
  • SPURS
  • Stephs visit revisited
  • SAT dinner with Belinda
  • Trips to SAT
  • Mom’s irritated with me
  • Belinda at St. Peter the Prince
  • Tango painting/jitter bug painting.
  • Buckee’s philosophy similar in context to Leap and the Net Will Appear
  • Diego’s private Frisbee tutoring
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2 Responses to “Kiss My Foot”

  1. Lou Ann Weaks Says:

    I feel sorry for all the people who do not get to read your hilarious comments. Who would have thought that feet could be so funny!!!!

  2. Camilla Sands Says:

    OHHHH boy, Girl: You gotta’ take a trip. Let’s talk soon – maybe tomorrow. C

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