There is Grime on the Window of my Heart. I Don’t Like It.

What the hell is going on? There is too much despair, sickness, and anxiety going on. Well there. Now I think I will press on.

Mom’s situation is only getting worse and she is for the first time in her life adversarial, maybe even crotchety. She wants to stay in her home with her ‘things.’ The reality is she needs 24/7 care as in watched. This is all taking a toll on Bros. Bill—no surprise. Yesterday we had a row…mean words and tears from me. I will always feel guilty, always. My listeners try to console me by saying that I am doing the best I can. No. I could move down there and stay a couple of months or even a couple of weeks at a time. I don’t want to do that. I am sorry and so grateful to Billy and I in almost every situation defer to his preferences….some times I speak up and he doesn’t like that. He said last night he thought I just wanted Mom to be ‘put somewhere.’ What I want is for her to be safer and for him to have some freedom.
IMG_2166.JPGToday Billy texted me that he has hired someone with 20 years experience as a floor manager at an assisted living facility. Hooray. Twenty hours a week and she will tend to Mom’s needs, clean, and cook. Oh God, please let this work for Mom. Please.

Cee has pancreatic cancer and it doesn’t look good. The tumor is too large for surgery so she is scheduled for chemo and radiation to shrink it. In eight weeks there will be a CT scan to see if the tumor has shrunk enough for surgery. Yesterday she has her first chemo –she felt fine until today. Today her body is flushed from head to toe with what looks like a sunburn and pain. She is feeling lots of fatigue too. Currently she wants me to come help her after the surgery, probably in March. I will go and pray that I can do exactly what she wants, comfort her, and realllllllly not make her crazy. Cee’s brother lives in Orlando and I know he will help with her care.

Nina told me today that Brad’s vet friends have set up a foundation in memory of Lolly. There will be scholarship money for a high school student who is interested in elementary education. Nina and I will serve as the screeners (?) much like I did for Pam’s memorial scholarship.

Last week I took Foy out to lunch—it was kinda like the old days…we bickered about where the restaurant of his choice was located. He was grumpy and suspicious about the GPS’ accuracy and probably thought it was emitting killer radiation. I told him after driving in a huge 3 mile circle that he did not know where it was and we were taking our chances with the techno magic GPS. Heritage Homestead is a Christian Farming community in Elm Mott, TX. The food was good; Foy had the soup of his dreams; and we had a grand visit.

The real reason I am beefy is that I am always eating lunch with chums…—Katie is very preg and soon to pop.

Today I had a dermatology apt…nose skin freeze-off and talk of vascular surgery for varicose veins. ONLY if they put me to sleep. And why I wonder will I consider this? I am pretty sure I will not ever be seen in public wearing shorts or bathing suit so what is the point? I will think on this.

Also today is our 44th wedding anniversary. I find that stunning. I am a lucky woman –Len only gets kinder and more patient and more generous as the years go buy. We went to the Roaring Fork in North Austin to celebrate…I slept late today because I drink 2 huckleberry frozen margaritas! AND I stayed up till 1:00 am.

I have a new friend I met at S&W’s infusion center. D. is a few years older than I; she also was a military wife and hails from Germany. Although she has lived in Temple for a few years she had only been to Salado one time…so we did lunch and shopped…she’s a good shopper too. I like new friends, building from the ground up and learning about their life experience….it is like reading a new book. We will do this again.

AND, speaking of books, I am listening to a book that so far has been captivating…Miss Peregtrine’s Home for Peculiar Children and reading The Kashmir Shaw…the Killeen Book Club reviewed Charles Krauthammer’s book, Things That Matter and our Salado Book Club reviewed Killing Patton. Sometimes my head spins…I like stretching and Krauthammer’s book reallllllly stretched me…what a vocabulary.

Our new SleepNumber bed is amazing….I am afraid I might eject myself out of it by accident. The raised head part is great….

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One Response to “There is Grime on the Window of my Heart. I Don’t Like It.”

  1. babsofsanmiguel Says:

    Great to discover your blog and to have met you yesterday in San Miguel with Camie! Hope we cross paths again. I’ll send the photos to you later today……….

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