The Power of Endorphins

Recently I have found myself thinking of Tora, Tora, Airplane, or Top Gun—a cockpit conversation where someone yells, “Pull up, pull up!” That’s my self-talk when I am starting to get short of breath and feeling overwhelmed. “I can do this.” “It is not about me.” ‘We are born to die.” But when it is all about my Mom and oldest friend, it isn’t that easy. BUT, I will ‘pull up.’ Sooooo, I am grasping at healthy diversions. I go to the gym nearly everyday: treadmill, rowing machine, chair yoga, and for good measure a massage, and Sirenna Spring foot soak, and more gym. I am trying to get healthier but that doesn’t automatically correlate to weight loss. I may be hefty forever. At least for now I am a well-groomed, big woman. I am not wearing Ban-lon slacks and flip flops yet. I’m resilient.

I tried sewing as a diversion….the needle threading alone wore me out. I made a tunic and slacks…both turned out to be HUGE and ugly. I used to be quite the seamstress—now it is easier to buy, buy, buy. I came home not long ago with some white eyelet that I just had to have for a rebozo….I opened the sewing chest and lo and behold, I found three other cuttings of eyelet. I think there is enough to make drapes, bedspread, matching night gown and sleep bonnet. Today, I am putting everything in the chest. I am done. They newly-made garments are going into the Hospice Thrift Shop bin.

Len and I are going with Belinda and James to Norway next summer….train rides along the fjords…starting in Oslo and ending in Bergen…it should be great fun but the getting there is so arduous that we decided to add on another trip as long as we will be in Europe….so Len and I will do another Viking cruise this time through Portugal and into Spain…a very different cruise than those I have done before. BUT all this takes an enormous amount of planning and even more luck if using frequent flier miles. We probably should just pay the annual fee for a credit card that gives you any time flying access. At this point I have 236,000 so I want to use them up. After hours and hours of working with AA on the phone and trying to calculate back 331 days from our best departure date….so I can get business or first class to Lisbon. I found something from DFW to NJ then NJ to UK, then UK to Lisbon….too many stops….I can’t repeat the fiasco—I didn’t get back in time so the seats were gone. BUT today I found two business tickets from Austin to London then London Lisbon. Better! Trying to use miles is almost impossible….and because we are flying to multiple cities, I have to make each reservation separately 331 days prior to the departure date. I may be white headed when this is over. It is sort of like W.W. Jacob’s horror story, The Monkey’s Paw.

Cee is going to Jacksonville for experimental radiation therapy this next week …lasting for 78 days. She has found a condo that will let her bring her pet family. I hope to go stay with her some.

I am hedging. Mom is now receiving in-home hospice care. She hasn’t recovered from a serious decline about two weeks ago. We think she might be having TIAs….this is so huge in my head and heart and I have thought about little else and talked of little else too. But there it is. She will keep her current caregivers but she will also have medical visits every week. I don’t know why I am not writing volumes about this. I can’t.

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2 Responses to “The Power of Endorphins”

  1. Lou Ann weaks Says:

    I am exhausted just reading about your making (or trying to make) reservations and especially that far in advance. I would do well to make them three days in advance!!!! Prayers for your Mom, Cee, and you, and much love.

  2. Nancy Baumann Thurmond Says:

    My prayers and thoughts are with you. Losing your Mother bit by bit is so painful. Love, Nancy

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