So.

So, it is done.

For years, literally, I have worried over Mom’s actual death. I cried, I talked and talked, I feared, and I ranted. She died December 28, 2015. None of the mind bending, emotional dress rehearsals helped a bit. I want to do this purge in part because I think I might be better off for it and mostly, I want some kind of bookmark about Mom’s leaving.

During October-November it was clear to me from my journaling that I was maudlin, bitter, and probably clinically depressed. If I were a dog or cat, I would have had my head to the wall. Also, writing made the sadness and anger run deeper into my marrow. Sadness and desperation…I thought I reeked like Kimchi. I thought it might kill me. So, good coward that I am, I just stepped away from it. No more writing, few tears, and my heart and mind settled to cold. I chose not to rip and shred every time I thought about her.

So many times I thought, “Well, this is it.” She didn’t go and God knows I prayed and prayed for her release. Although I knew and know that there are no coupons or free passes for a life well spent….no guarantees for easy dying, her discomfort seemed unfair and brutal. Everything she never wanted, she got. Her loving ladies, Aidé and Mary Louisa kept her ‘fixed up’ as much as possible. …especially if they knew I was coming to see her. But propped up and gasping for air, unable to speak, is the lowest possible common denominator.

I was in SAT December 23-25. She was barely aware….although when Belinda and James came by to see her, she gave them a benediction of sorts, “Merry Christmas,” as they left. She chose not to come to the dining room for Christmas dinner, rather stayed in her chair, asleep and dreaming. Len and I came back to Salado the 25th…Billy called me the 27th and said she was asking for me. Forever, I will thank him if he made it up because I went back to her….by this time she was really transitioning, the hospice comfort pack took away her anxiety. Bill, David, Frances and I more or less hovered around her bed. When I was alone with her I told her I loved her, thanked her, and told her to please go in peace. She seemed to rally….Billy and I thought she was coming back into focus….so we all went to bed. About three hours later Maria Louisa woke me. She was gone and thank you, God, released from her suffering. I do rejoice for her and for us because we got to have her as our beloved Mother.

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2 Responses to “So.”

  1. Sarah Hartwig Says:

    This is a beautiful tribute Susan, not only to your Mom, but to those who loved her and cared for her and cared about her. “Dying Not So Easy” prepared your followers for what was coming, but nonetheless I teared up reading about her departure. She gave her life back to God with grace.

  2. Beautifully written. She was a lovely lady. May you have peace now.

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